A Public Service Announcement about Grocery Shopping

Have you ever heard anyone say "Yay!  I get to go grocery shopping today!"?  Of course you haven't.  The supermarket can be a traumatic place for anyone, adults and hungry children who missed their naps alike.  As a public service, I have compiled a list of DOs and DON'Ts to help you on your next visit to the grocery store.

"Reihe Einkaufswagen" by 4028mdk09 - Own work. Licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0 via Wikimedia Commons - http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Reihe_Einkaufswagen.JPG#/media/File:Reihe_Einkaufswagen.JPG

DO:  Take reusable shopping bags.  It's the green thing to do and you can avoid those pesky bag fees.  Some stores will even give you credit to boot!  

DON'T:  Ask for paper inside of plastic.  That is nonsense. Who does that?? Instead do DO number 1.

DO:  Keep your cart to one side of the aisle.  It's okay to go around, but be sure to merge back into the proper lane after passing.  Treat the aisle as if it were a roadway, in the U.S., not in England.

DON'T:  Let your kids push the cart.  They can't drive or make decisions and they will end up violating the second DO repeatedly.

DO:  Make decisions quickly.  Let's be real.  Most of the time the store has the same selection that it had the last time you were there.  If you want to try something new, then by all means try something new but don't take an inordinate amount of time making your decision.  People are waiting.  Carts are backing up.  We can only pretend to look at something else for so long...

DON'T:  Have phone conversations loudly enough for people two aisles over to hear you.  You are not impressing anyone with your "I'm so busy I can only call my stockbroker while I'm grocery shopping" routine.  If I wanted to hear conversation while I was shopping I would have brought someone with me.  There is a radio playing softly somewhere.  Let's all be quiet enough to enjoy it.

DO:  Bring a list.  It's okay to wing it when you know you need everything anyway.  But if you have specific items in mind, jot them down or create a list in your smartphone.  You'll save yourself the aggravation of circling around trying to decipher those cryptic aisle directory signs. 

DON'T:  Eat all the samples.  It's called a sample, not free lunch you inconsiderate selfish bastard.

DO:  Be courteous to the cashier.  If you can't be the bright spot in someones day, be the spot they forgot.  The cashier is generally not responsible for coupon fails, under staffing, or the cost of what you purchased.

DON'T:  Leave your cart, wagon, basket, or buggy in a parking space.  Those things have wheels and can become a rolling agent of destruction.  Plus, it's just plain rude.


Remember that grocery shopping is the modern day version of hunting and gathering. People are wild animals, especially when given any device on wheels.  Follow these tips and share them with a friend.  Together, we can make adulthood tolerable!

The text written here is my own original thought, work, and opinion, shared with love. Photos in this post belong to their original owners (not me) and are captioned with appropriate credit and used with permission.  No copyright infringement intended.  I only offer my humble rambling opinion.  Thank you.

Why Shouldn't You Move to Portland, OR?

      Are you considering a move to the Pacific Northwest?  Does Portland, Oregon look appealing to you with its tender embrace of all things vintage and its quirky but lovable city motto of 'Keep Portland Weird'?  Have you watched every episode of Portlandia and envisioned yourself as an extra (and liked it)?  

      Well if so, get ready to have your bubble burst!  There are too many people here.  Sorry. We locals have decided that fewer people would be beneficial.  We are having difficulty marketing this concept, so I have decided to cut to the chase and provide 5 cold hard facts one must consider before purchasing a Subaru and setting out on the Oregon Trail.

        1)  There are no plastic bags here.  Portland was one of the first cities to jump on the plastic bag ban.  Many cities have followed suit and/or implemented a bag fee as a plastic bag deterrent.  I just want you to know that you will be carrying brown paper bags in the rain, with no umbrella, because you can’t carry two paper bags AND an umbrella.  Furthermore, people in Portland don’t use umbrellas.  I'll save that tidbit for another list on another day.

        2)  You cannot ‘go to the beach’.  Let me clarify.  Yes, there are beaches and they are named as such but you will not go to them.  In Oregon you go to the coast.  The difference is that beaches are warm, sandy, sunny places where you'll likely sunbathe and go swimming and perhaps suffer a sunburn.  The coast is more often than not a cold, windy, rocky place where you may do beach-like things but you'll be wearing pants and a hoody.  You won’t go for a swim because hypothermia is no substitute for a sunburn.  We have sneaker waves too.  Google that if you forevermore want to view the ocean as your own personal death trap…

      3)   Portland is surrounded by volcanoes!  While Mt. Tabor (within the city limits) is classified as dormant, Mt. Hood dominates the skyline and is technically active.  I know, I know, it’s been almost 200 years since its last activity, but that’s all the more cause for alarm.  An eruption may not be the Michael Bay pyrotechnics we expect from an active volcano, but Portland could be covered in dust and ash.  Yikes! and Yuck.  Additionally, Mount St. Helens is a mere 65 miles away.

      4)  Casual Friday is every day.  All seven.  It’s casual at dinner.  It’s casual at the doctor’s office.  It’s casual in court.  It’s so casual here we wear jeans to the opera.  Seriously.  Blue ones.  If you like your lunch server or dentist to be well-kempt then you may want to reconsider your options.  Also, dreadlocks abound.  Just sayin’.

       5)  Portland has more parades than any city I know.  I would be curious to research how many parades the average city has in a year.  Whatever that average is, I’m sure it’s pretty close to the square root of the number that Portland has.  The Portland Rose Festival itself has three parades of its own in one week!  Those do not include the Macy’s Holiday Parade, Pride NW Parade, Christmas Ship Parade, Independence Day Parade, Division/Clinton Street Fair Parade, St. Patrick’s Day Parade, Mardi Gras Parade, and the Brewers Brunch & Parade.  The fact that there has been more than one parade sketch on Portlandia should tell you something.  Hint: it’s not something good.  I’m sure there are more parades, bike rides, runs, and marathons going on than you’ll ever know until the day you find yourself on a standing room only MAX train with a walking sample of PDX carpet.  Is this the kind of typical day you want in your life?  I'm asking...

I own no rights to Portland or the Oregon Trail, the city or the game, the franchise, it's merchandise, or anyone or thing that has to do with it.  The text written here is my own original thought, work, and opinion, shared with love. Photos in this post belong to their original owners (not me).  No copyright infringement intended.  I only offer my humble rambling opinion.  Thank you.