Why Can't I Buy What I Want?

Sorry guys, this one's for the ladies...  I have fashion problems.  These problems aren't that I can't dress myself in a fashionable way or that I'm stylistically impaired.  I do know how to make me feel brand new.  The problem lies with the makers of women's panties and tennis shoes.

Like any reasonable lady getting dressed, I'll start with the panties.  Why oh why can't I buy a package of solid black underwear?! I can buy a package of solid white underwear.  I can buy a package with one black pair in it, but inevitably that one lonely pair of black undies will share the package with at least one god-awful looking pair that has some juvenile pattern like polka dots or stars that I won't even wear on laundry day because no they're not 'fun to wear'. Seriously, why am I forced to buy my underwear individually simply because I prefer solid dark colors over silly designs or white granny panties?  I object!  I loudly, emphatically, enthusiastically object!  Who's with me?

"No trunks please" by Gerbil - Own work. Licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0 
via Wikimedia Commons 
http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:No_trunks_please.JPG#/media/
File:No_trunks_please.JPG

While we're on the subject of what really chaps my hide (pun intended), what's up with women's sneakers?  Why are they always covered in (or at least accented with) pink or purple or teal or coral?  Why is coral even allowed to be a color? Blech!  It's as if athletic shoe designers feel the need to emphasize the delicate gender of tennis shoes; as if women will go without gym shoes entirely if they aren't feminine enough.  Gross.  Have they forgotten our beloved Keds or our simple Reeboks of days gone by?  Did we not buy enough of them?  Have we not revived them at least once or twice? Now when I go sneaker shopping, it feels like a clown school costuming session.

Image Courtesy of Gratisography/Ryan McGuire

Dear shoemakers, I don't feel the need to draw attention to my running shoes.  I don't need flattering compliments on my kicks.  Nor do I want my feet to look like I ran through a puddle of toxic radiation.  I simply want solid colored tennis shoes dammit - and not Velcro strapped nursing shoes either.  And NO I don't want to buy them online.  I want to walk out of the shoe store with them under my arm while wearing my solid black comfy underwear that I buy in bulk.  Is that too much to ask?!  I'm asking anyway...