A Public Service Announcement about Grocery Shopping

Have you ever heard anyone say "Yay!  I get to go grocery shopping today!"?  Of course you haven't.  The supermarket can be a traumatic place for anyone, adults and hungry children who missed their naps alike.  As a public service, I have compiled a list of DOs and DON'Ts to help you on your next visit to the grocery store.

"Reihe Einkaufswagen" by 4028mdk09 - Own work. Licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0 via Wikimedia Commons - http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Reihe_Einkaufswagen.JPG#/media/File:Reihe_Einkaufswagen.JPG

DO:  Take reusable shopping bags.  It's the green thing to do and you can avoid those pesky bag fees.  Some stores will even give you credit to boot!  

DON'T:  Ask for paper inside of plastic.  That is nonsense. Who does that?? Instead do DO number 1.

DO:  Keep your cart to one side of the aisle.  It's okay to go around, but be sure to merge back into the proper lane after passing.  Treat the aisle as if it were a roadway, in the U.S., not in England.

DON'T:  Let your kids push the cart.  They can't drive or make decisions and they will end up violating the second DO repeatedly.

DO:  Make decisions quickly.  Let's be real.  Most of the time the store has the same selection that it had the last time you were there.  If you want to try something new, then by all means try something new but don't take an inordinate amount of time making your decision.  People are waiting.  Carts are backing up.  We can only pretend to look at something else for so long...

DON'T:  Have phone conversations loudly enough for people two aisles over to hear you.  You are not impressing anyone with your "I'm so busy I can only call my stockbroker while I'm grocery shopping" routine.  If I wanted to hear conversation while I was shopping I would have brought someone with me.  There is a radio playing softly somewhere.  Let's all be quiet enough to enjoy it.

DO:  Bring a list.  It's okay to wing it when you know you need everything anyway.  But if you have specific items in mind, jot them down or create a list in your smartphone.  You'll save yourself the aggravation of circling around trying to decipher those cryptic aisle directory signs. 

DON'T:  Eat all the samples.  It's called a sample, not free lunch you inconsiderate selfish bastard.

DO:  Be courteous to the cashier.  If you can't be the bright spot in someones day, be the spot they forgot.  The cashier is generally not responsible for coupon fails, under staffing, or the cost of what you purchased.

DON'T:  Leave your cart, wagon, basket, or buggy in a parking space.  Those things have wheels and can become a rolling agent of destruction.  Plus, it's just plain rude.


Remember that grocery shopping is the modern day version of hunting and gathering. People are wild animals, especially when given any device on wheels.  Follow these tips and share them with a friend.  Together, we can make adulthood tolerable!

The text written here is my own original thought, work, and opinion, shared with love. Photos in this post belong to their original owners (not me) and are captioned with appropriate credit and used with permission.  No copyright infringement intended.  I only offer my humble rambling opinion.  Thank you.

Why Shouldn't You Move to Portland, OR?

      Are you considering a move to the Pacific Northwest?  Does Portland, Oregon look appealing to you with its tender embrace of all things vintage and its quirky but lovable city motto of 'Keep Portland Weird'?  Have you watched every episode of Portlandia and envisioned yourself as an extra (and liked it)?  

      Well if so, get ready to have your bubble burst!  There are too many people here.  Sorry. We locals have decided that fewer people would be beneficial.  We are having difficulty marketing this concept, so I have decided to cut to the chase and provide 5 cold hard facts one must consider before purchasing a Subaru and setting out on the Oregon Trail.

        1)  There are no plastic bags here.  Portland was one of the first cities to jump on the plastic bag ban.  Many cities have followed suit and/or implemented a bag fee as a plastic bag deterrent.  I just want you to know that you will be carrying brown paper bags in the rain, with no umbrella, because you can’t carry two paper bags AND an umbrella.  Furthermore, people in Portland don’t use umbrellas.  I'll save that tidbit for another list on another day.

        2)  You cannot ‘go to the beach’.  Let me clarify.  Yes, there are beaches and they are named as such but you will not go to them.  In Oregon you go to the coast.  The difference is that beaches are warm, sandy, sunny places where you'll likely sunbathe and go swimming and perhaps suffer a sunburn.  The coast is more often than not a cold, windy, rocky place where you may do beach-like things but you'll be wearing pants and a hoody.  You won’t go for a swim because hypothermia is no substitute for a sunburn.  We have sneaker waves too.  Google that if you forevermore want to view the ocean as your own personal death trap…

      3)   Portland is surrounded by volcanoes!  While Mt. Tabor (within the city limits) is classified as dormant, Mt. Hood dominates the skyline and is technically active.  I know, I know, it’s been almost 200 years since its last activity, but that’s all the more cause for alarm.  An eruption may not be the Michael Bay pyrotechnics we expect from an active volcano, but Portland could be covered in dust and ash.  Yikes! and Yuck.  Additionally, Mount St. Helens is a mere 65 miles away.

      4)  Casual Friday is every day.  All seven.  It’s casual at dinner.  It’s casual at the doctor’s office.  It’s casual in court.  It’s so casual here we wear jeans to the opera.  Seriously.  Blue ones.  If you like your lunch server or dentist to be well-kempt then you may want to reconsider your options.  Also, dreadlocks abound.  Just sayin’.

       5)  Portland has more parades than any city I know.  I would be curious to research how many parades the average city has in a year.  Whatever that average is, I’m sure it’s pretty close to the square root of the number that Portland has.  The Portland Rose Festival itself has three parades of its own in one week!  Those do not include the Macy’s Holiday Parade, Pride NW Parade, Christmas Ship Parade, Independence Day Parade, Division/Clinton Street Fair Parade, St. Patrick’s Day Parade, Mardi Gras Parade, and the Brewers Brunch & Parade.  The fact that there has been more than one parade sketch on Portlandia should tell you something.  Hint: it’s not something good.  I’m sure there are more parades, bike rides, runs, and marathons going on than you’ll ever know until the day you find yourself on a standing room only MAX train with a walking sample of PDX carpet.  Is this the kind of typical day you want in your life?  I'm asking...

I own no rights to Portland or the Oregon Trail, the city or the game, the franchise, it's merchandise, or anyone or thing that has to do with it.  The text written here is my own original thought, work, and opinion, shared with love. Photos in this post belong to their original owners (not me).  No copyright infringement intended.  I only offer my humble rambling opinion.  Thank you.

Where Are the Robots?

Image courtesy of blickpixel at pixabay.com

Let us enter the world of the anthropophobic.  Anthropophobia is the pathological fear of people or human company. We have all suffered moments of this and I will from this point on lovingly refer to the condition as people-phobic and its sufferers as people-phobes.  Again, I do this lovingly and without judgment.  I simply fear that if I continue to write anthropophobic, this blog will be a drag to read and my point will be lost.  Not to mention I cannot type the word very quickly and my spell-check doesn’t even recognize the silly word.  Silly ‘Word’.

Where was I?  Oh yes, people-phobes.  People-phobes cheered at the advent of the Self-Checkout, the pizza ordering app, the sign-waving-mannequin, movie and television streaming, and sweet sweet online shopping… for the most part.  I say ‘for the most part’ because there remains a downside to all this bliss.  The beloved people-phobes’ pizza and smiley packages are still delivered by dreaded humans.  

More frightening still is the latte dilemma.  Not the ‘oh geez this costs what?!’ dilemma, but the having to activate my legs, bike, and/or car to navigate to the coffee shop, shack, or cart because I lack the skills or equipment to make a latte in the comfort and safety of my own home dilemma.  Forgive me.  Sometimes I over-identify…

In 1964 Isaac Asimov wrote an essay for The New York Times about what the world may be like in 2014 with all of the shiny new technology that would be accessible to the masses.  “Mankind will have become largely a race of machine tenders” he said.  In the actual year 2014, Oxford researchers agreed with Asimov, saying “Soon, all that will be left for human beings will be non-routine, creative work.”  I call bull hockey!  WHERE ARE THE ROBOTS?!

Image courtesy of Flickr gif 'mi robot' by trinity ass.

The highway billboards here in Portland are telling me that I can now order and pay for my Starbucks latte from my smartphone.  People-phobes rejoice!  Add to that Taco Bell, Chili’s, Panera Bread, and Mickey D’s have or soon will have similar apps to effectively reduce human to human contact.  I say that’s not good enough!!  People-phobes deserve better.  Let’s kick it up a notch.  A Roomba instead of a maid is nice, but it’s no Rosie.  Where is the drone mail delivery service?  Why can’t my pizza come in a self-driving KITT-like car that will accept payment from my R2 unit and when I’m done, Jinx can deposit the box in the recycling bin that will be emptied weekly by Conky 2000 and his crew?  Today’s secret word is "obsolete". 

One final note: Cyborgs and Androids need not apply.  I don’t think Dot Matrix would make for good tech support and Terminators are pretty iffy.  When my waffle maker suddenly develops a case of ‘the feels’ and I have to deactivate it, I don’t want it to do anything creepy like wink at me.  Three monotone cheers for people who don’t need people!

Read the references of the quoted stuff if you please:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/stowe-boyd/robots-jobs-purpose-humans_b_5689813.html

http://greatideas.people.com/2014/07/22/starbucks-app-order-ahead-coffee/   

I own no rights to any of the robots or the franchises mentioned, their merchandise, or anyone or thing that has to do with them.  The text written here is my own original thought, work, and opinion, shared with love. Photos in this post belong to their original owners (not me). No copyright infringement intended.  I only offer my humble rambling opinion.  Thank you.

Is popcorn better than an Oscar?

Oscar night, 2015:  I haven't seen the movies, am not much for couture, and like so many of us, I'm savvy enough to find the right highlights before heading to the proverbial water cooler.  So why bother to watch?  Simple. Popcorn.  Oscars celebrate cinema and cinema, to me, means popcorn.  I personally would rather have popcorn than an Academy Award.  

"Popcornmaker" by en:User:ElinorD - Uploaded to en: January 24 2007. Licensed under Public Domain via Wikimedia Commons 

Popcorn is the chameleon of snack foods.  Traditional popcorn is my favorite flavor.  But Oscar night requires extra butter.  In fact you can add just about any flavor to popcorn.  Butter, pepper, Thai spices (seriously I had some at a restaurant and it was legit!), caramel, you name it, you add it, you get more awesome.  To my knowledge, Oscars aren't tasty.

Musical foods are rare, and popcorn is one of them.  The rhythmic percussion of those edible fireworks is enough to make anyone smile, if not with their face, definitely with their tummy.  Your snack is a drum line.  Your Academy Award remains silent.

Popcorn is cheap!  I can pretty much always afford popcorn.   Even at the corporate multiplex, popcorn remains the economical choice of cinema snackage.  Paying $10 for several handfuls of popcorn is much more satisfying than paying that same ten bucks for 7 measly Raisinets.  Priced by volume, popcorn is pennies per kernel kids; pennies from heaven.

I am not a chef, but I'm pretty sure I can make popcorn 17 different ways.  Pop those kernels on the stove, in the kettle, in the air popper - vintage style, or the modern way in the microwave.  So, many, options.  An Oscar comes in one outfit, shiny nude.  

Popcorn is timeless.  Your parents ate it.  Your grand pappy did too.  Christopher frigging Columbus ate popcorn. For real!  Even the cool kids these days are still eating popcorn, and liking it.  Future generations may never enjoy a Twinkie, but popcorn is going nowhere.  Much like my love for it.  Cue exit music.




I own no rights to the Academy Awards, the franchise, it's merchandise, subsidiaries, synonyms or anyone or thing that has to do with it/them.  The text written here is my own original thought, work, and opinion, shared with love. Photos in this post belong to their original owners (not me) and are captioned with appropriate credit and used with permission.  No copyright infringement intended.  I only offer my humble rambling opinion.  Thank you.

Admit it Westminster, MY dog is the cutest!

He's not a lap dog and he doesn't wear bows or sweaters.  It's not for a lack of me trying however.  My friends and family will attest to the fact that I've tried raincoats, bandannas, shirts, and jingle bell laden Christmas collars.  His refusal is always adamant.  Yet, his cuteness is unsurpassed and here's proof:

He goes by many names:  Buddah, Mr. Handsome, Pups, Puppy Doo, Baby Doo, Wookie Doo, E-pup, Adube, or Sir Pups-a-Lot. He has never been, nor will he ever be 'the dog'.



I own no rights to theWestminster Kennel Club, the franchise, it's merchandise, subsidiaries, synonyms, or anyone or thing that has to do with it/them.  The text written here is my own original thought, work, and opinion, shared with love. Photos in this post belong to their original owners (actually me!) and are used with permission.  No copyright infringement intended.  I only offer my humble rambling opinion.  Thank you.

Why is the Silent Treatment so Funny?

Awwww is someone not talking to you?  Not to worry.  When you find yourself in this situation, fear not, for there is nothing to do but be amused...

Flckr image from page 106 of "Building and Engineering Catalog 1921 Edition" No known copyright restrictions

Turn down the volume and prepare for the LOLs:


~ The silent treatment is chocked full of physical exertion.  Yes I see you walking by,
    shuffling things and slamming doors, all in your relentless pursuit of being seen but not heard.  

~ Silence is quiet and doesn't interrupt me while I'm speaking.   Pity.

~ Silence can't resolve our differences.  We can't work it out over a warm cup of silence.

~ Silence punishes you way more than me.  You keep working hard to prove your point
    and I'll just be over here doin' my thang.

~ Silence is golden.  Gold has value.  Accept the payment as restitution.


The silent treatment speaks volumes about the imposer.  Mostly it says that they are a passive-aggressive abusive narcissist with extreme emotional dysfunction and you'd do well to try to remember that the next time you speak to them. LOL

What will you do next time someone stops talking to you?  I'm asking...

What of Marriage?

Stupid people are smart sometimes.  Same sex marriage is headed to the Supreme Court this year.  The lovely but ignorant folks that oppose gay marriage have updated their argument, saying gay marriage is not in line with ‘natural law’ and as such, states have the right to ban it.  Because we all know that unnatural things naturally lead to other awful unnatural criminal things, don’t we?  Wait a minute…………. what is ‘natural’ when it comes to marriage?

Is it natural for a person to have many spouses?

Is it natural for a 60 year old to marry a 20 year old?   What if the 60 year old was the woman?  Didn't think of that did ya?

Is it natural for people of different religions or different races to marry?

Is it natural for people with disabilities to marry?

Is it natural for people with children to marry people other than the parents of those children?

Is it natural for free roaming citizens to marry inmates?

If you answered no to any of these questions, congratulations on your closed mind and lukewarm heart! 

A great many folks find many many marriages other than their own “unnatural”.  If we only knew what situations those friendly faces at the grocery store really went home to…  In the grand scheme of life, what does it matter if my spouse and I shop on the same side of The Gap?  How can a country so diverse even fathom a definition of what is ‘natural’ when it comes to a marriage between legally consenting adults?

Wake up call:  marriage is for more than baby making!   When can we ALL do what comes naturally?

 I’m asking…