Why Can't I Buy What I Want?

Sorry guys, this one's for the ladies...  I have fashion problems.  These problems aren't that I can't dress myself in a fashionable way or that I'm stylistically impaired.  I do know how to make me feel brand new.  The problem lies with the makers of women's panties and tennis shoes.

Like any reasonable lady getting dressed, I'll start with the panties.  Why oh why can't I buy a package of solid black underwear?! I can buy a package of solid white underwear.  I can buy a package with one black pair in it, but inevitably that one lonely pair of black undies will share the package with at least one god-awful looking pair that has some juvenile pattern like polka dots or stars that I won't even wear on laundry day because no they're not 'fun to wear'. Seriously, why am I forced to buy my underwear individually simply because I prefer solid dark colors over silly designs or white granny panties?  I object!  I loudly, emphatically, enthusiastically object!  Who's with me?

"No trunks please" by Gerbil - Own work. Licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0 
via Wikimedia Commons 
http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:No_trunks_please.JPG#/media/
File:No_trunks_please.JPG

While we're on the subject of what really chaps my hide (pun intended), what's up with women's sneakers?  Why are they always covered in (or at least accented with) pink or purple or teal or coral?  Why is coral even allowed to be a color? Blech!  It's as if athletic shoe designers feel the need to emphasize the delicate gender of tennis shoes; as if women will go without gym shoes entirely if they aren't feminine enough.  Gross.  Have they forgotten our beloved Keds or our simple Reeboks of days gone by?  Did we not buy enough of them?  Have we not revived them at least once or twice? Now when I go sneaker shopping, it feels like a clown school costuming session.

Image Courtesy of Gratisography/Ryan McGuire

Dear shoemakers, I don't feel the need to draw attention to my running shoes.  I don't need flattering compliments on my kicks.  Nor do I want my feet to look like I ran through a puddle of toxic radiation.  I simply want solid colored tennis shoes dammit - and not Velcro strapped nursing shoes either.  And NO I don't want to buy them online.  I want to walk out of the shoe store with them under my arm while wearing my solid black comfy underwear that I buy in bulk.  Is that too much to ask?!  I'm asking anyway...

A Public Service Announcement about Grocery Shopping

Have you ever heard anyone say "Yay!  I get to go grocery shopping today!"?  Of course you haven't.  The supermarket can be a traumatic place for anyone, adults and hungry children who missed their naps alike.  As a public service, I have compiled a list of DOs and DON'Ts to help you on your next visit to the grocery store.

"Reihe Einkaufswagen" by 4028mdk09 - Own work. Licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0 via Wikimedia Commons - http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Reihe_Einkaufswagen.JPG#/media/File:Reihe_Einkaufswagen.JPG

DO:  Take reusable shopping bags.  It's the green thing to do and you can avoid those pesky bag fees.  Some stores will even give you credit to boot!  

DON'T:  Ask for paper inside of plastic.  That is nonsense. Who does that?? Instead do DO number 1.

DO:  Keep your cart to one side of the aisle.  It's okay to go around, but be sure to merge back into the proper lane after passing.  Treat the aisle as if it were a roadway, in the U.S., not in England.

DON'T:  Let your kids push the cart.  They can't drive or make decisions and they will end up violating the second DO repeatedly.

DO:  Make decisions quickly.  Let's be real.  Most of the time the store has the same selection that it had the last time you were there.  If you want to try something new, then by all means try something new but don't take an inordinate amount of time making your decision.  People are waiting.  Carts are backing up.  We can only pretend to look at something else for so long...

DON'T:  Have phone conversations loudly enough for people two aisles over to hear you.  You are not impressing anyone with your "I'm so busy I can only call my stockbroker while I'm grocery shopping" routine.  If I wanted to hear conversation while I was shopping I would have brought someone with me.  There is a radio playing softly somewhere.  Let's all be quiet enough to enjoy it.

DO:  Bring a list.  It's okay to wing it when you know you need everything anyway.  But if you have specific items in mind, jot them down or create a list in your smartphone.  You'll save yourself the aggravation of circling around trying to decipher those cryptic aisle directory signs. 

DON'T:  Eat all the samples.  It's called a sample, not free lunch you inconsiderate selfish bastard.

DO:  Be courteous to the cashier.  If you can't be the bright spot in someones day, be the spot they forgot.  The cashier is generally not responsible for coupon fails, under staffing, or the cost of what you purchased.

DON'T:  Leave your cart, wagon, basket, or buggy in a parking space.  Those things have wheels and can become a rolling agent of destruction.  Plus, it's just plain rude.


Remember that grocery shopping is the modern day version of hunting and gathering. People are wild animals, especially when given any device on wheels.  Follow these tips and share them with a friend.  Together, we can make adulthood tolerable!

The text written here is my own original thought, work, and opinion, shared with love. Photos in this post belong to their original owners (not me) and are captioned with appropriate credit and used with permission.  No copyright infringement intended.  I only offer my humble rambling opinion.  Thank you.