Are you breaking any laws?

So you think you live in the land of the free?  How free are we really?  I'm not talking about marriage equality or gun control.  I'm talking about if a tree fell in the forest and you were there, have you committed a crime without even knowing it type stuff.   How many ridiculous, antiquated, or just plain unenforceable laws are still on the books?  I went Googling and here are 7 of my favorites.

Image courtesy of Teerapun at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Leave Bigfoot Alone!  Washington State 1991, Bill 92-247 The harassing of Bigfoot, Sasquatch or other undiscovered subspecies is a felony punishable by fine up to $100,000 and/or imprisonment up to 10 years.  Copy that.  I certainly will not harass any species that is as yet undiscovered.

Drivers yield to everybody always.  Oregon law from 1983, Traffic Law 811.025 Drivers must yield to pedestrians who are standing on the sidewalk.  Failure to yield to a pedestrian on a sidewalk is a Class B traffic violation.  I can't even begin to understand how this works...

 Image courtesy of D Sharon Pruitt 

Don’t open your car door.  Okay now you can open it.  Okay hurry up and close it!  Also from the 1980s in Oregon, Traffic Law 811.490 says that a door on a car may not be left open longer than is necessary.  The law also specifies under what circumstances you can open a vehicle door.  Note:  if there are pedestrians on the sidewalk, the passenger side doors may NOT be opened.  Improper opening or leaving open a vehicle door is a Class D violation. Alrighty then.

No dice! (At least not fuzzy ones dangling from your rear view mirror.) Illinois (And possibly other states) Law 625 ILCS 5/12-503(c).2 prohibits a driver from operating a vehicle with any objects placed or suspended between the driver and the front windshield which materially obstructs the driver's view.  No pine scent, fuzzy dice, tiny disco balls, or Hawaiian leis for you good folks.

No humans roaming around off leash.  In Belvedere, CA (just north of San Francisco) there is a City Council order that states: “No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash.” Hehe

Licensed under Public Domain via Wikimedia Common

No Silly String.  Southington, Connecticut banned Silly String in 1996.  Violators will be fined 99 serious dollars.

Sorry, idiots can’t vote.  My personal favorite, from New Mexico Article VII Elective Franchise clearly states that idiots may not vote.  “Every citizen of the United States, who is over the age of twenty-one years, and has resided in New Mexico twelve months, … except idiots, insane persons and persons convicted of a felonious or crime shall be qualified to vote at all elections for public officers.”  Can we just make that federal law?  Pretty please?

As Walter Sobchak said in The Big Lebowski, “There are rules.”  So while you’re safely enjoying some fireworks this Independence Day, appreciate those smaller freedoms you have as an American, because hey, your dog could be walking you!

Licensed under Public Domain via Wikimedia Commons

Visit http://www.dumblaws.com/laws/united-states/oregon to see oh so much more! 
 Please note that some of these laws may have been replealed. 
 I do not encourage you to find out which ones, or maybe I do.

Why Shouldn't You Move to Portland, OR?

      Are you considering a move to the Pacific Northwest?  Does Portland, Oregon look appealing to you with its tender embrace of all things vintage and its quirky but lovable city motto of 'Keep Portland Weird'?  Have you watched every episode of Portlandia and envisioned yourself as an extra (and liked it)?  

      Well if so, get ready to have your bubble burst!  There are too many people here.  Sorry. We locals have decided that fewer people would be beneficial.  We are having difficulty marketing this concept, so I have decided to cut to the chase and provide 5 cold hard facts one must consider before purchasing a Subaru and setting out on the Oregon Trail.

        1)  There are no plastic bags here.  Portland was one of the first cities to jump on the plastic bag ban.  Many cities have followed suit and/or implemented a bag fee as a plastic bag deterrent.  I just want you to know that you will be carrying brown paper bags in the rain, with no umbrella, because you can’t carry two paper bags AND an umbrella.  Furthermore, people in Portland don’t use umbrellas.  I'll save that tidbit for another list on another day.

        2)  You cannot ‘go to the beach’.  Let me clarify.  Yes, there are beaches and they are named as such but you will not go to them.  In Oregon you go to the coast.  The difference is that beaches are warm, sandy, sunny places where you'll likely sunbathe and go swimming and perhaps suffer a sunburn.  The coast is more often than not a cold, windy, rocky place where you may do beach-like things but you'll be wearing pants and a hoody.  You won’t go for a swim because hypothermia is no substitute for a sunburn.  We have sneaker waves too.  Google that if you forevermore want to view the ocean as your own personal death trap…

      3)   Portland is surrounded by volcanoes!  While Mt. Tabor (within the city limits) is classified as dormant, Mt. Hood dominates the skyline and is technically active.  I know, I know, it’s been almost 200 years since its last activity, but that’s all the more cause for alarm.  An eruption may not be the Michael Bay pyrotechnics we expect from an active volcano, but Portland could be covered in dust and ash.  Yikes! and Yuck.  Additionally, Mount St. Helens is a mere 65 miles away.

      4)  Casual Friday is every day.  All seven.  It’s casual at dinner.  It’s casual at the doctor’s office.  It’s casual in court.  It’s so casual here we wear jeans to the opera.  Seriously.  Blue ones.  If you like your lunch server or dentist to be well-kempt then you may want to reconsider your options.  Also, dreadlocks abound.  Just sayin’.

       5)  Portland has more parades than any city I know.  I would be curious to research how many parades the average city has in a year.  Whatever that average is, I’m sure it’s pretty close to the square root of the number that Portland has.  The Portland Rose Festival itself has three parades of its own in one week!  Those do not include the Macy’s Holiday Parade, Pride NW Parade, Christmas Ship Parade, Independence Day Parade, Division/Clinton Street Fair Parade, St. Patrick’s Day Parade, Mardi Gras Parade, and the Brewers Brunch & Parade.  The fact that there has been more than one parade sketch on Portlandia should tell you something.  Hint: it’s not something good.  I’m sure there are more parades, bike rides, runs, and marathons going on than you’ll ever know until the day you find yourself on a standing room only MAX train with a walking sample of PDX carpet.  Is this the kind of typical day you want in your life?  I'm asking...

I own no rights to Portland or the Oregon Trail, the city or the game, the franchise, it's merchandise, or anyone or thing that has to do with it.  The text written here is my own original thought, work, and opinion, shared with love. Photos in this post belong to their original owners (not me).  No copyright infringement intended.  I only offer my humble rambling opinion.  Thank you.