Is America a Hypocrisy?

Image Courtesy of Pixabay.com

I feel like I’m missing something.  Something BIG.  Where was I on the day that everyone got the bucket loads of whatever I didn’t.  Was it that day I went to the DMV?  Did I miss an emergency broadcast that was an actual emergency, followed by very important instructions that I never got?  This is the only explanation I can come up with.  I’ve Googled my brains out and I either missed something, or half the country is now legally insane.  Seriously.

Most conservatives identify as Christians.  Christians are supposed to help the needy.  But giving people affordable healthcare is bad?  It is bad because it comes from the government and the government should be small.  The government shouldn’t be a giant babysitter that takes care of us and tells us what to do.  We should take care of ourselves.  Screw your neighbor.  Why should you help them?  If you help them, it will only make you weaker.  They should help themselves, dammit.  If they can’t make it on their own, they must be doing something wrong!  United we stand?  I am totally confident that Jesus would agree with the conservatives.  Or am I missing something?

People believe that legislation based on religious beliefs is justifiable, even though the First Amendment expressly forbids it.  The same people flip out about their Second Amendment right to bear arms.  People simultaneously cling to AND ignore the Constitution.  Is THAT what makes America so great?

People believe that homosexuals are to blame for the decline in American family values.  I suppose all the heterosexually explicit content on television, pornography, exotic dancers, strip clubs, prostitutes and marital cheating websites are all a part of the dastardly homosexual agenda.  The gays are clearly responsible for all of the straight people fornicating everywhere they shouldn’t be…

 

While we are on the subject, if under ANY circumstances I end up pregnant, it should be decided by an elected official (who I may or may not have voted for) and is not my family member, medical provider, or church affiliate, whether I should carry this child to term?  I must have blacked out and forgotten that women are nothing more than baby ovens.  It’s okay though, because I know the generous men in charge will be happy to assist me with diapers and groceries because I can’t afford groceries, diapers, transportation and daycare on my current salary, which definitely should NOT be higher than it is.  If I get paid more to do my job, the terrorists win.

Of course there are grants and scholarships available to me, and if I wasn’t such a lazy freeloader I could go back to school, finish my degree and get a better job that pays more money so that I can afford to feed and raise my child without mooching off the government.  People do it all the time right?!  Great. Who is going to watch my baby after I’ve worked a full shift so I can study?  Who is going to watch my baby while I go to classes at night and on the weekends?  Hopefully whoever it is will take lots of pictures because I won’t have time to be there since my education is far more important than my daughter or son’s childhood.  But wait, isn’t that putting the mother’s needs before the child’s?  So why did I have this baby?  No, no, no I am working for my child’s future, not mine!  My life no longer matters.  I am nothing but a baby factory.  If only marriages were still arranged so I could stay home with my kid while my husband goes out to earn a living much much more monetarily sound than I EVER could! 

On to a different subject.  Legalizing marijuana is going to ruin everything!  I mean just look at the influx of money into Colorado, Washington, and Oregon.  That cannot be good.  Money can fix problems.  Money can pay for education. People will be driving recklessly with their children in the car to 7-Eleven to buy Cheetos and Beef Jerky!!!  If we don't come up with a solution, this will surely cost us jobs.  Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh we are in so much DANGER!!!!!!!

The 2016 Presidential election.  That’s it.  I am definitely missing something on this one.

I realize it is bold of me to admit that I’m confused by a lot of what’s going on.  Maybe the liberal media is mind controlling me.  Maybe if Sunday School was graded, I would have failed.  Maybe when I was a 19-year-old kid I could have made better decisions and stayed in school and finished my degree and I would be a part of the 1% now and wouldn’t have to be concerned about petty problems like mass shootings and GMOs. 

Has something gone terribly wrong?  Was America dropped on it's head as a baby, or is it just me?  I’m asking…

Are you breaking any laws?

So you think you live in the land of the free?  How free are we really?  I'm not talking about marriage equality or gun control.  I'm talking about if a tree fell in the forest and you were there, have you committed a crime without even knowing it type stuff.   How many ridiculous, antiquated, or just plain unenforceable laws are still on the books?  I went Googling and here are 7 of my favorites.

Image courtesy of Teerapun at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Leave Bigfoot Alone!  Washington State 1991, Bill 92-247 The harassing of Bigfoot, Sasquatch or other undiscovered subspecies is a felony punishable by fine up to $100,000 and/or imprisonment up to 10 years.  Copy that.  I certainly will not harass any species that is as yet undiscovered.

Drivers yield to everybody always.  Oregon law from 1983, Traffic Law 811.025 Drivers must yield to pedestrians who are standing on the sidewalk.  Failure to yield to a pedestrian on a sidewalk is a Class B traffic violation.  I can't even begin to understand how this works...

 Image courtesy of D Sharon Pruitt 

Don’t open your car door.  Okay now you can open it.  Okay hurry up and close it!  Also from the 1980s in Oregon, Traffic Law 811.490 says that a door on a car may not be left open longer than is necessary.  The law also specifies under what circumstances you can open a vehicle door.  Note:  if there are pedestrians on the sidewalk, the passenger side doors may NOT be opened.  Improper opening or leaving open a vehicle door is a Class D violation. Alrighty then.

No dice! (At least not fuzzy ones dangling from your rear view mirror.) Illinois (And possibly other states) Law 625 ILCS 5/12-503(c).2 prohibits a driver from operating a vehicle with any objects placed or suspended between the driver and the front windshield which materially obstructs the driver's view.  No pine scent, fuzzy dice, tiny disco balls, or Hawaiian leis for you good folks.

No humans roaming around off leash.  In Belvedere, CA (just north of San Francisco) there is a City Council order that states: “No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash.” Hehe

Licensed under Public Domain via Wikimedia Common

No Silly String.  Southington, Connecticut banned Silly String in 1996.  Violators will be fined 99 serious dollars.

Sorry, idiots can’t vote.  My personal favorite, from New Mexico Article VII Elective Franchise clearly states that idiots may not vote.  “Every citizen of the United States, who is over the age of twenty-one years, and has resided in New Mexico twelve months, … except idiots, insane persons and persons convicted of a felonious or crime shall be qualified to vote at all elections for public officers.”  Can we just make that federal law?  Pretty please?

As Walter Sobchak said in The Big Lebowski, “There are rules.”  So while you’re safely enjoying some fireworks this Independence Day, appreciate those smaller freedoms you have as an American, because hey, your dog could be walking you!

Licensed under Public Domain via Wikimedia Commons

Visit http://www.dumblaws.com/laws/united-states/oregon to see oh so much more! 
 Please note that some of these laws may have been replealed. 
 I do not encourage you to find out which ones, or maybe I do.

Why Can't I Buy What I Want?

Sorry guys, this one's for the ladies...  I have fashion problems.  These problems aren't that I can't dress myself in a fashionable way or that I'm stylistically impaired.  I do know how to make me feel brand new.  The problem lies with the makers of women's panties and tennis shoes.

Like any reasonable lady getting dressed, I'll start with the panties.  Why oh why can't I buy a package of solid black underwear?! I can buy a package of solid white underwear.  I can buy a package with one black pair in it, but inevitably that one lonely pair of black undies will share the package with at least one god-awful looking pair that has some juvenile pattern like polka dots or stars that I won't even wear on laundry day because no they're not 'fun to wear'. Seriously, why am I forced to buy my underwear individually simply because I prefer solid dark colors over silly designs or white granny panties?  I object!  I loudly, emphatically, enthusiastically object!  Who's with me?

"No trunks please" by Gerbil - Own work. Licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0 
via Wikimedia Commons 
http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:No_trunks_please.JPG#/media/
File:No_trunks_please.JPG

While we're on the subject of what really chaps my hide (pun intended), what's up with women's sneakers?  Why are they always covered in (or at least accented with) pink or purple or teal or coral?  Why is coral even allowed to be a color? Blech!  It's as if athletic shoe designers feel the need to emphasize the delicate gender of tennis shoes; as if women will go without gym shoes entirely if they aren't feminine enough.  Gross.  Have they forgotten our beloved Keds or our simple Reeboks of days gone by?  Did we not buy enough of them?  Have we not revived them at least once or twice? Now when I go sneaker shopping, it feels like a clown school costuming session.

Image Courtesy of Gratisography/Ryan McGuire

Dear shoemakers, I don't feel the need to draw attention to my running shoes.  I don't need flattering compliments on my kicks.  Nor do I want my feet to look like I ran through a puddle of toxic radiation.  I simply want solid colored tennis shoes dammit - and not Velcro strapped nursing shoes either.  And NO I don't want to buy them online.  I want to walk out of the shoe store with them under my arm while wearing my solid black comfy underwear that I buy in bulk.  Is that too much to ask?!  I'm asking anyway...

Is Orange the Underdog of Colors?

The answer is an astounding YES!  Unless you frequent The Home Depot, there is a serious lack of orange in your life. I have no theory as to why,  but I do have sufficient evidence to support this tragic fact.  The world is a cruel place dominated by primary colors and seconded by all those shades of gray. Orange has suffered a cruel and undignified fate.  

Automatic dumper at the co-op orange packing plant, Redlands, Calif. Santa Fe trip (LOC) Delano, Jack,, photographer

What about Orange Is the New Black you ask? Hasn't this been a fashion win for orange?  In case you are one of the 19 people that hasn't streamed this little gem, let me fill you in.  The general population of inmates actually wear khaki. Yes, khaki.  Orange is designated for the newbies, the fresh meat, the outcasts of the prison population.  To add further insult, a county jail in Michigan has changed its jumpsuits from orange back to the old black-and-white jailbird stripes. Apparently there is something worse for women to wear than horizontal stripes. Sadly, that something is orange.  

There is a well-known web series starring an orange character.  That sounds good at the outset, but trust me he's no peach.  While humorous to viewers, *spoiler alert* The [appropriately named] Annoying Orange generally annoys the other fruits and veggies hanging around.  Nobody has a Crush on this guy.

How did blue ever get its gloomy reputation with a color like orange around?

Image courtesy of imageafter.com light fx

Pac-Man features an orange ghost named Clyde.  Clyde is the black, or shall we say orange sheep of the Pac-Man world.  The rest of the Ghost Gang, Pinky, Blinky, and Inky have more consistent patterns and give more chase to Pac-Man than Clyde.  In the classic Pac-Man world, Clyde is goofy and dim-witted. He lacks the villainous nature of the other ghosts.  In Ms. Pac-Man, Clyde is re-gendered and renamed Sue.  Clyde, the Orange ghost, becomes the boy named Sue... Heartbreaking.

I do appreciate that Sesame Street gave Bert an orange best friend named Ernie.  I also recognize that there are several orange "Pony"s to teach us the magic of friendship. However, the orange Power Ranger remains a wannabe's sweet reverie and the painful truth is that Scooter from The Muppets is a behind the scenes guy who'll never experience the celebrity of Gonzo or the recognition of Kermit. 

Meanwhile, these neat statistics show that orange has the lowest percentage of colour use in triband flags, coming in at a wimpy 3.23%.  Only three colors score lower than orange for flag desirability.  The three unfortunate colors are brown, gray, and surprisingly, purple. Purple must be feeling pretty bad about itself right now.  The percentage of country flags containing orange is somewhere between 0.2% and 0.6% according to Time.com.  Orange never gets to have any Fun with Flags. Further proof lies in the fact that professional sports teams sport orange quite sparingly.  See for yourself!

What may be the final nail in this citrusy coffin is Marvel's answer to DC Comic's lone orange superhero.  What's more underdog than a seahorse riding Atlantean who talks to dolphins?  Why Captain Citrus of course! Clearly what The Avengers need is a member with ties to the Florida citrus industry who draws power from the sun and defeats evil by making smart nutritional choices.  Have you ever wondered what would happen if an actual orange became a superhero? Well now you can stop wondering and have your life back. Seriously, take it back.

The comic book universe is severely lacking in significant superheroes that don a costume of orange.  There are some villains quite fond of it but without delving into superhero colour theory, this fact only aids my case.  I am a dedicated advocate for the underdog and my hope is that orange will one day rise to the top. Imagine a world where Dorothy could proudly follow the ORANGE brick road. Perhaps that kind of thinking is too far forward. Perhaps you think Orange Julius has had its fair shake. Perhaps you are one who can appreciate both red and yellow, but finds no satisfaction in their coalescence.  Why must orange suffer so? Won't you please give orange a chance?  I'm asking...

I own no rights to the color orange or any of the people, companies, persons, or franchises mentioned, their merchandise, or anyone or thing that has to do with it/them.  The text written here is my own original thought, work, and opinion, shared with love. Photos in this post belong to their original owners (not me) and are captioned with appropriate credit and used with permission.  No copyright infringement intended.  I only offer my humble rambling opinion.  Thank you.

Why Do I Smile?

Smile.  Avoid confrontation.  Follow the golden rule.  Be the change.  Try to understand where other people are coming from and don’t judge them for being ignorant a**holes. Okay try not to judge.  There is a Smith’s song that so eloquently asks “in my life, why do I smile at people who I’d much rather kick in the eye?”.   Good question Morrissey; good friggin question. 

Smiling has been said to be contagious and understood in any language.  So why not smile?  I tend to smile at people regularly, often without even thinking about it.  It is almost natural for me personally, to smile at people in passing when we make eye contact.  But sometimes, there quickly comes regret.  It was a miss-fire!  I did not mean to be friendly towards you.  You are not deserving of my offering.  I take it back!  Is it in fact better to not smile at individuals towards which we feel disdain?

Perhaps I was giving the sarcastic smile; the one that slyly says ‘I know who you really are and how you operate’, and I smile at you because I want you to know that I know.  Y’know?  So actually, smiling is good.  But wait!  If my smile is disingenuous then I have subsequently broken the golden rule and have for all intents and purposes, [POW!] kicked ‘em in the eye.  Sigh.

On the other hand, what if they didn't perceive my smile as fake, but as if it were heartfelt?  They received a genuine smile and with it forgiveness or the notion that I have taken the higher ground and truly believe that despite our differences we can be kind to one another and leave our judgments at the door.  Wouldn't that be grand?  I think I will continue to smile.  Will you?  I’m asking…